Fans before Morrissey’s first solo gig, 1988 [x]
wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love this
Fans before Morrissey’s first solo gig, 1988 [x]
wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love this
The opposite of lost, Nathaniel Russel
Sally Coulter (via tv-in-black-n-white)
I like this.
'Hours of Joanna the Mad', Bruges 1486-1506.
BL, Add 18852, fol. 89r
#1 party track
yo honestly this song is so fucking sick like with the landing spaceship in the beginning are you fucking joking this song is actually out of control amazing
I was just singing this the other day!
dont forget to drink lots of water ☔
Yayoi Kusama, Infinity Dots Mirrored Room, 1996
This movie was SO UNEXPECTEDLY HILARIOUS. (And upsetting. BUT ALSO HILARIOUS.)
We all freeze and die! Freeze and die!
Old World people were friggin’ morons who got turned into popsicles!
the most fictional part in all of Harry Potter is that without fail Harry and his friends are always able to find table seats in a crowded pub.
First of all, if you don’t want to see Angelina Jolie soar out of an enchanted fairy forest in blood-red lipstick at the head of a battalion of tree-hunks, then lay waste to an army of ant-like bros with her giant betaloned wings and razor-sharp cheekbones, I probably don’t really understand your taste in movies. Second of all, but not at all an entirely different point, Maleficent is, as proclaims the text I just sent @kitchenbadger while peeing, “a misandrist epic and a beautifully deranged lesbian love story” [“in which Angelina Jolie flies around like a bat”]. Indeed, DisneyCorp’s latest fairy tale revisited is not, I discovered, merely something to gigglesnort at from the back of the theater in the shopping mall after you’ve disappointed Oprah by taking more than your fair share of free samples in Teavana. This film contains a very important message for young girls, and that message is that you should never trust men because they are ruthless dickbutts who will STEAL YOUR WINGS AND LEAVE YOU. After this sad truth has taken effect, however, you are free to become a Goth-domme queen of darkness who delights in freaking out old people, being mean to babies, and generally fucking shit up. You can also shoot terrifying columns of eldritch flame out of your rage-filled screams and make cute new submissive boys out of birds. Angelina Jolie’s whole euphoric ascent into bitter bad-assery drew from me a lopsided grin of pure joy, as well as a shock of real sympathy—my god, the agony this woman endures!—but one of my favorite moments comes when she delights in forcing her former teen boyfriend, now the King of the Humans (otherwise known to us as the loathsome Wing-Stealer), to beg for mercy on his knees. She is just such a dominatrix. Plus, I hate that King of the Humans. I hate his face so much.
After the Sleeping Beauty curse has been delivered with due dramatic flair, the most light-hearted and fun part of the movie comes as little princess Aurora grows up in a cottage in the woods, cared for by the Bizarro-World versions of the Sanderson Sisters with Professor Dolores Umbridge in the place of Bette Midler. The flaxen-haired princess, played at one point by a real Jolie-Pitt, giggles her way through her sickeningly adorable childhood playing badminton with deer and brushing bunnies’ fur into pompadours or whatever, sustained by a steady stream of socially awkward encounters with Maleficent, who is usually brooding in a nearby tree. In fact, Aurora is reminiscent here of a young Maleficent, who before even meeting her future betrayer (dude slices off her wings and brings them to the fairy-bashing old king’s deathbed to win his favor and ascend to the throne in his place—really, bro?) was but a wee bat-baby roaming the dells and glades and tending to her fellow fair folk with a kindliness that charmed the spots off toadstools. But alas, puberty strikes with its armored fist. Teen-Aurora and the ageless Angelina get truly acquainted for the first time as the eye-roll-inducing princess pronounces Maleficent her “fairy godmother,” prompting Godmother to barf discreetly into the bushes. Nevertheless, Maleficent cannot deny that this young Herbal Essences commercial has enchanted every living thing in the realm—including its ruler. Even the fairy queen’s Bird Boy appears ensorceled by the shimmering vortex of shiny-haired innocence, which is a shame because he’s kind of cute and I liked him better when he was purely a servant of evil.
Anyway, Maleficent and Aurora start hanging out, if you know what I mean, like every goddamn day. In a romantic pond full of gnomes or something Maleficent teaches the princess how to mud-wrestle and admits to herself that she may have developed some tender feelings for this button-nosed babydyke who has fallen into her care. Unfortunately, nothing can stop the curse she set in motion sixteen years ago, which is a lot like real life in that the decisions your past self makes can sometimes irrevocably fuck shit up for the future you, the you you never could have predicted. The day before her episode of My Sweet Sixteen is set to shoot, the sweet babychild Aurora learns that she’s a pretty pretty princess who was cursed by none other than the woman she loves more than anyone in the world, Angelina Jolie. This is a real bummer because she had previously planned to spend her whole life chasing butterflies with Angelina in Fairyland, but now that she knows she has a dad and a curse everything’s so different. Aurora runs away from the perfect love of her dad’s formerly-and-understandably-a-little-vengeful old flame and towards his stronghold, Castle Creepertown of Creepertonia, where he rules as King Creep. All this time after placing his daughter in the supposedly curse-proof custody of three fairies who know literally nothing about childcare, he’s been going steadily crazy, passing the time in pacing around flipping his emo-bangs and bitch-slapping knights, talking to imaginary friends in the dark where he disturbingly keeps Maleficent’s wings in the kind of case they keep the Freudian-era vibrators in at Babeland, and no doubt hitting the royal mead almost as hard as I want to hit his wacky-bearded face. Excuse me, I have to pour myself a glass of wine here.
Anyway, Wacky-Beard sucks as usual and is all “Aurora you look just like the mother we saw for like two seconds at your christening and who later died and I didn’t even care lol LOCK HER UP BOYS” and the sweet woodland-creature-loving lesbian princess has to escape from her tower cell through a conveniently placed door behind a Lisa Frank tapestry. Apparently no one in this castle ever takes out the trash because from here she stumbles right into the sideyard where the staff dumped the heaps of barely-barbequed spinning wheels they were supposed to burn after the king’s ex cursed him with a weird eternally-napping daughter. Aurora falls into some kind of magical k-hole and dreamily pricks her finger as her elfin lover is kinkily riding Bird Boy, in the form of a black horse, hard across the plain to her rescue. Maleficent feels a jolt of pain in her wizardly heart as she senses the Gabrielle to her Xena falling into a death-like sleep.
The worst has happened, and there is, apparently, only one thing to do now: Find that cute little One Direction reject who met Aurora that time in the woods, looking all princely with perfect, unmoving hair that I can only assume was computer-generated. After all, heterosexual romance is always supposed to save the day in fairy tales, isn’t it? Isn’t it?? Desperate to awaken her gf and atone for her sins, the fairy queen finds the prince fucking about somewhere and promptly puts him in suspended animation, because Maleficent, like the rest of us, doesn’t care about this idiot and only needs his pillowy lips and outgrown Bieber-cut as a plot device. He is awakened in Aurora’s bedchamber, where the Sanderson sisters encourage him to cast off all his silly ideas about consent and kiss the girl like demons in some kind of sociopathic hallucination. Shrugging “Whatever,” he goes for it, but it doesn’t work because these two characters are both just too. Freakin’. Gay. And this is where the miracle happens. Maleficent doesn’t believe in true love, you see—the King gave her what he swore was “true love’s kiss” when they were innocent teens just itching for prom night, and it was a dirty lie. That’s why she cursed Aurora to a sleep that could only be broken by that same, existentially impossible kiss. It’s wonderfully bleak, but “bleak” is not how this story is meant to end. After swearing to keep all harm from her tender little button as long as she lives, like some kind of freaking Last Centurion watching over her Amy Pond, Maleficent gives Aurora the kind of kiss on the forehead that girl I was in love with at college gave me before going back to her boyfriend and never responding to my drunken Facebook messages.
And guess what? Something Maleficent, and probably that cranky old chainsmoker Walt Disney, never expected happens. The princess wakes up. I’m with Birdbrain on this one: True love is real. It’s just sometimes, true love’s unexpectedly gay. Really gay. And Maleficent and the princess live happily ever after in Fairyland, and lesbian love makes the flowers bloom again. After Maleficent has her final showdown with King Dumbface, I mean, and we are witness to the heartbreaking spectacle of Aurora seeing her lover weighted down with burning iron chains, and also witness to the amazing spectacle of all of Angelina Jolie’s clothes somehow disappearing to reveal a skintight black leather bodysuit that caused quite a sensation in my jeggings. There’s even a powerful sequence in which Maleficent’s wings fight their way out of their cage and rejoin themselves to her shoulders. A deeply wronged woman is made whole again, and she takes the opportunity to fly into the night and throw the evil Wing-Stealer to the ground, where he gets dead. No one is sad. Everyone is happy. In the enchanted forest Maleficent crowns her young lover queen of the hipsters and all the fairies and gnomes and weird little CGI hobgoblins rejoice. The prince with the hair even comes back to be Aurora’s gay BFF and probably to hook up with the bisexual Birdbrain at some sexy point. And when the narrator, revealed to be Aurora herself, ends her tale, she pronounces her true love’s name with such relish I have to believe their happily-ever-after is very happy indeed.
[*I keep adding to this because I just have a lot of feelings sorry everyone!!]